Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Your mouth is God's brothel.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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