there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
