ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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