Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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