dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the condom got lost in my hair
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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