Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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