Apparently you make a good broom.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize