god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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