You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
