i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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