I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
