Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
