I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
