the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im holly from the hills drunk
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
