Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
