talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
