just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
