The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
