I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
