Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
