When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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