Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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