i don't like sucking hair
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
