i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
