Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I could make wine with my vomit
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
