every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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