Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
