Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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