No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
