his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
