My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He shit in the fireplace
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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