Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
