my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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