Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
