i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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