I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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