remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
