youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
