Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
