i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
