The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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