stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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