Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
there was a trapeze. enough said
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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