On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
