I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
