Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
