i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
