Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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