I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
