but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
