imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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