I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
