my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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