Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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