Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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